Sometimes I wonder , why me? Why? My family is mostly healthy.. There are no major complications that run in my family. So, why can’t I catch a break? Why can’t I just be normal?
Why do my legs have to shoot off so much pain I can’t sleep at night?
Why does my back hurt so bad I have to lay down to get any type of relief?
Why did I have to have brain surgery?
Why did I get diagnosed with MULTIPLE diseases?
Why do my arms and fingers ache for no reason?
Why can’t I walk on my feet in the morning?
Why does the vision in my eyes come and go?
Why does my brain shoot off pains all across my head?
I mean, I don’t need THAT much inner healing?? Right?! Do I need some major deliverance and years of psychiatric evaluation to deal with some soul stuff so I can get physically healed?! UGH!
I try not to be self-centered. It’s hard , honestly. When you live your every waking moment using all your energy to live a normal ‘day’ .. it’s hard to not think about yourself and what you are doing.. using your energy to take care of the ones you love. And yes, there are dark moments in there too. Moments you think that life would be better if you were not in it. That your children and your husband would just have a better life if you checked yourself into a pych ward or checked out for good. Lyme, chiari and really any disease that deals with massive, chronic pain will make you have some dark moments. You can’t have that much pain and not be depressed. Sometimes it’s saddening that I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m not happy. I’m not joyful. I look forward to seeing sunshine and rainbows and doing happy dances again.. See there I go~ down the depression road. When it comes to my kids, I keep up the happy. I keep up the dances and play times because that is my job. My job is to make sure THEY are happy and healthy. Anyway, I digress.
Enough of the ‘whys’ …
Let’s discuss the ‘whats’…
What I have been doing. Well, let’s see:
Recovering from brain surgery for a chiari malformation that I did not know I was born with. I am almost convinced that the cycline abx’s worsened the condition~ so I had to have neurosurgery.
Recovering from a torn ligament. OUCH!
Recovering from 3 LP’s that I’m convinced made me have bulging discs or worsening of bulging discs.. therefore dealing with crazy back pain symptoms that have NEVER been an issue.
Going to multiple doctor’s appointments for all these issues. I refuse to give up.
What I haven’t been doing is treating Lyme. Not sure if that’s good or not. But I really wanted to see what the chiari decompression would do for me (or not do).
Applying for school for myself! ( I must have really lost my marbles.)
I know I said ‘no more whys’ But I have one more~ Why do I make life harder on myself? Like it’s not already challenging enough. Lets add some more responsibility and stress, ok?!
Now, take all that and add treating your children for lyme, parasites and heavy metals. Then add your husband having to get MRI’s and physical therapy and self treating lyme. It can get OVERWHELMING. But I think I put added pressure on myself. I don’t want anyone in my family to go through the same ‘hell’ I have been through, so it literally had me freaked out for a while. But we are trucking along smoothly now.. In a groove.
But what does the bible say? To forget all that is behind and press forward to the mark of the high calling that is in Christ Jesus. Maybe that’s why I want to go to school. I want to believe that being sick is not God’s will for my life and I don’t want it to hold me back. I want to keep moving. Believing that God has a plan for my life. That He still wants to use me to touch souls. To reach out to the broken. Even with all of the trials (some I won’t mention on a blog) I want to be found in God’s lap, holding on to Him~ trusting Him with my life.. with my children’s lives.. I am so thankful for my children. If not for them I would have given up years ago. They are what push me to get better. To be a better person. I love them so much.
So say a prayer for me!
And it’s my prayer for you too… that if you are walking this walk of searching out a proper diagnosis and being healed of your disease and it’s consuming you.. just remember that God made you and has a plan for you. That the sickness you have is not his ultimate plan for you and that through the storm you WILL see the sunshine again. Don’t give up.
When I have a really dark moment and feel that the Lord has left me, I think of all the amazing moments when God spoke to me through others. When He provided for me in the most miraculous ways. He is SO good. He doesn’t give up on us, so why should we give up on ourselves. We are fighters. Keep up the fight.